It's Been Alright...

The situation has seemed to calm down significantly. Personally, I feel that the re-building process for a true friendship has begun. It is tough right now because I still have all the emotions running through my head, but I know I cannot act on them the way I want. I suppose it takes a lot of the stress off. Which is a great thing. I will always wish things went further, but I understand that our friendship will mean more in the long-run that a relationship that could potential destroy a friendship because we are not ready for that step. Being ready for anything that serious is the best way.

This is something special...

Rational Ideas

So the letter is completed and delivered. I wish I would have made a copy for my "records", but I would rather have only one copy in existence; in the hands of the person it was meant for.

I was trying to think whether or not it is a personal expression or a person confession. Really I didn't apologize for anything, but basically explain my behaviour a bit, how I work, and why it was important to write such a thing. It was necessary because I wanted to give her some incite into why she is so important to me. Her friendship is one I need to have. I hope she doesn't freak out too much when she reads it, but I don't think she will. Anyway, I will post her reaction.

Beatnik Paradise

One thing I want to start up again is a little bit of poetry writing and general interpretive pieces. These works soothed me. One of the more interesting aspects of putting one's thoughts down on "paper" is that you can usually get more out it than if you were just to talk them out. I really enjoy this part of writing and I missed it. Hopefully the more I do it from here on in I will begin to get back some of my perspicacity that I am sorely lacking now. When I look back, it seems, oddly, that I was a much stronger person. I don't know if that is the case, but I think that going through this line of work and my various crossroads, it somehow made me more agitated and upset on a regular basis...this is not fair to my peers or my family.

In the past year or so I have been very forward with my mother. We used to be so close, but as time passes I feel we are growing apart. I think it has something to do with how I was raised. But that will come out in another post.

Right now I suppose I should get some work done...which is my biggest foe currently: staying focused; being my own person; having the confidence to call people.

It has been a few hours since my last post. I had time to sleep on it a bit more. I guess I feel about the same. I wish I could snap out of this. I have been shaking. Probably not a good sign. Work has really been putting an amount of pressure on me that I have never experienced before. It is almost like I am being put to the test and being stretched in too many directions at once. Contrary to popular belief, my so called sensitivity is not helping me. I think today when I get to work I will write her a letter. That seems to be a good idea to help formalize my thoughts a bit more. I will put down the results when completed.
Cheers.

Archive

Also, if you would like to fill in the blanks between August and December 2004 just click.

I wish I did some more stuff after this...

Realization

I just discovered something very interesting: I used to write great stuff! It is amazing what I few years can do to your skills especially if not practiced and honed. Perfection can be achieved with practice. I really wish that I kept up with the writing. It makes me feel a bit better knowing that I am finally at it again. And once again, all it took was girl troubles. Go figure, little buddy!

Hopefully doing this more often will help shed a light on how I should go about my current situation. I am a great person. I am great at what I do. I can get though ALL of this and come out of it better than ever. The path sometimes is a bit more difficult to carve, especially when trying to accomplish new things, for new situations, but I know I am up for the challenge.

In addition, to go ahead and elaborate a little more on PattiGate '08, I must first explain why I like her so dearly. I have been thinking about this for a longtime so hopefully this list will be complete over time:
1) Makes me laugh
2) Challenges my morals and humanity
3) Wonderful to her family
4) A beautiful person around people
5) Able to set goals and know what she wants out of them
6) Always trying to improve herself and others
7) Stunningly beautiful
8) Original, in the sense that she has little "tricks" for everything. ie: compost in the freezer? Brilliant!
9) Strong upbringing
10) Ability and willingness to help people
11) Sense of fashion and taste...knows what she likes.
12) The most electric eyes.
13) Sincere loyalty to her family and friends
14) Full of life
15) Very nurturing and caring
16) Perfect smile and laugh
17) Her overall sense of humanity.
18) This is an incomplete list because it could go on.

These are just some of the things I find great about her. Even when she may not show her best side all the time, I know she will always contain these qualities and why I will always continue to love her.

Night

And here we are again: to determine what is going on. First and foremost it has been a good 4 years since I have put ANYTHING down on "paper" regarding my sanity or my little life. But now I feel this is a perfect time to put everything into perspective.

Patti: It is amazing how one person can make me feel.
Work: The financial advisor role is about as difficult as they tell you.
Together: Create the toughest mish-mash of events I have ever come across.

I want to get all the Patti details out of the way first. I don't know where to begin. I guess I will basically say two things: one...She is probably the first person that I have ever been with that I actually have feelings of "long-term". Two...She is probably the first person that truly confuses me.

I don't know if those two things match up or "sound right", but let me explain. Patti is my best friend. We do everything together and have done so for the past 10 months or so. This year marked several events that have led to this point.
December 22nd: D-Night
On New Years: we had a kiss
Early January: we began sleeping together every few weeks or so and planning more and more events and times together.
February: we began going to the gym quite regularly and began seeing each other very frequently...every day.
March to May: we started sleeping together every few days, coming closer, and involving each other in our family lives. In May I decided to help continuing anxiety by going to my doctor and attempting to get help mentally. Rejection was becoming a continuing event.
May 29th: She returned from Vancouver and in the days following this she mentioned she was with another person her last night in Whistler...but seemingly she wanted to be closer to me and was reacting accordingly and continued my pursuit of a relationship
June to mid-July: I would consider this a very serious time in the "relationship". To me it felt we were close to having something more...in fact it was getting discussed more and began seeing each others family more. I would help her quite frequently in getting to work and taking her around...I didn't mind it. But rejection was still there and I began to see a councilor in July after the events of June 25th...where I was taken to hospital in an ambulance and seemingly poured everything out in public to Patti...who was wonderful enough to take care of me.
July 18th weekend: The climax..."Pretending" seemed to be a good idea at the time, in hindsight...maybe not so much. However, we were great together.
July 20th to present: After all the build up I think it collapsed with this...work and social FINALLY at a breakpoint. It was bad...really bad...Once again I poured my heart out...hoping for help in my work and financial situation...I got hurt. It wasn't like before...this is different. I felt and still feel emotionally drained, and Thursday (July 24th) was it. Recently it has been a little better, but I fear for our friendship.

So here we are. I am drained. I love her. But I cannot put anymore into it, especially going forward for a relationship. In my mind, this will go down as a dating type relationship, the most wonderful I have had...but in reality, it wasn't mutally at that step.

I think it went wrong every time there was immedate rejection. I would become defensive and want to fix the situation by trying to get closer to her. I know this is strange...but for some reason I felt I had to do it. But my brain was telling me not to be stupid and back off...my heart said otherwise. This turned out to be a poor, poor thing because all it did was drive her further away...only to be brought back after a defeat and I was a lot more calm and collective. I have never felt so emotionally on a rollercoaster before. Even right now I am finding it difficult to place this all down onto the white page in front of me. It seems surreal. I don't want to lose her friendship...that is the worst thing that could ever happen in my life at this point.

My biggest worry now is myself. I am scared that I may do something crazy to myself. I am beyond stressed. I know my councilor and I have discussed various methods to curb these thoughts and feelings, but I don't know why I keep having them. In combination with everything else, I am having a rough time. I know it is all part of becoming an adult, but I don't see what the problem is here and why I cannot move on from such thoughts. It seems they are getting much more frequent and much worse. And not only my well being, I am worried about what kind of stress I am putting on Patti, my family, and friends. I do not want to hurt Patti or lose her friendship...It means the most to me in the world. I do not want to hurt my family and friends...they are the backbone of who I am and want to be.

So where do I go from here? I have many fantastic qualities and many amazing faults. There must be something I can do for myself besides what I am doing now. Maybe Patti is right...maybe I do need to travel and experiement...maybe a bit of self discovery is what I need. But then, even right now as I am typing, it is leading me back to thoughts of how I don't want to lose her. Why is my head filled with these ideas?

I think I need sleep...I miss it too.